The child is grown, and puts away his childish things
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies"
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I cannot deal anymore
deal with it all
I am done
done for eternity
I really can't handle it
Everyone is dying
Now my parents want to write up a will...they say they aren't going to die, but then why get a will.... then they ask who i want my guardian to be....I don't know!
You dont put that on someone...
Saturday December 1, 2007
I don't understand.... I lost Kristy...it was hard, but I still could see that God was trying to do something, teach me a lesson etc.
My mom's friend from the market died...ok, getting a bit repeditive... a bit much to handle
Then Jennie....I just didn't get it then...3 people in less than 2 months. why would a god who loves us so much, be so harsh...so unconcerned. Have I been that bad that I deserve this...where is the lesson, the revelation, isn't one person enough!
I finish the funeral for Jennie today and come home...then the call....Courtney died.... why...why the fuck would god do that....what is the fucking purpose! Kicking me while I am already down... like shotting a dead body...... I don't get it.
I think I am done with God....either I hate him so much...or I am done....I haven't really started my relationship with him until these last few months....and if death is what a relationship with god intells...then I am done and I want nothing to do with this kind of God
I loved Courtney... she is one of the only people I can honestly say I loved in a romantic way. We would always joke around with each other and our families about how we would get married one day...though a joke....it did cross my mind that I could see myself marrying her someday....if the oppurtunity arose....
I am done... with a lot right now...
Monday December 3, 2007
If you have read my previous post "Done with life", then continue reading, if you have not, go read it then read this.
I am still very upset...and confused... but I was , in the moment, caught up in things, Things are not as futile as I made them seem. Not to say those thoughts were wrong, I still believe every word I typed in that post. But my feelings are not as extreme at the moment.
I am upset still
I still feel the same towards God, and I have not spoken to him since Saturday, except to question him or to yell at him... I am not sure I want to be part of his faith anymore...if this is being in his good graces or in his "loving arms" then I'd rather be away from him.
Some may say this is Satan's work, and he wants you to feel this way. Well then, he wins, I understood the first death...the second hurt...but the next two...is overkill. They say God will never face you with anything you can't handle...well then why would he allow Satan to do all this... wasn't one enough but no four, a bit more than I can handle.
I hope I have clarified enough..I think I have said enough as well... I don't want any Sunday school answer or explanation, I Know them all and they do not help, at all... I may not go to church...or a while...it just makes me mad to be there... I feel like they are lying... they talk of Gods comforting touch... Iam still waiting...and I still haven't felt anything... I cried out to God, to please...just give me something, a chill, a gust, something, something to comfort me, something to show me you are next to me, waiting for me, loving me...but nothing.... if he is a God of love, then I do not understand love, I have never felt his love, his blessing, nothing....I thought it was my fault...I thought I wasn't open enough, so I have been trying to find him, to be open to him, to feel him...and when I finally felt like I might get to him he pushes me away. Wouldn't he want me to know what I am missing before he allows Satan to attack me.... I think Satan and Lucifer are different people.... they have to be, their stories don't match up.... I Think God Created Satan in the beginning, to tempt us and to corrupt us, an Lucifer is a fallen angel that works against God, and tries to fight against him.
Revolving in the Door, never to escape the torment and pain.